What to use when you run out of toilet paper

Aimee McCalister • Contributing Writer

It’s happened. The moment that you’ve been fearing.

You’re down to the last toilet paper roll, and the stores are all sold out. What’s a poor college student to do?

That depends how desperate you are. But please don’t worry about your lack of toilet paper, because there’s plenty of options.

Leaves from your house plant

Plentiful but uncomfortable, leaves are always an option if you’re really desperate. If you have to, you can pretend you’re roughing it in the great outdoors. Just remember, leaves of three, leave them be. Leaves are always there for you if you can’t find any other alternative. Luckily, there’s a few more options to consider before you become that desperate.

Regular Paper

You may be out of toilet paper, but there’s plenty of normal paper to spare (or newspaper, like old copies of The Patriot Talon)! Remember all the old artwork and papers from elementary school that are sitting in the storage room? Time to pull them out. Or am I the only one who hoards stuff like that? In any case, I’m sure there’s a stack of printer paper that you keep on hand for late night assignments. And there’s also the option of paper towels, although those are running out almost as fast as toilet paper.

Toilet Paper Roll Cardboard Piece

It’s a pandemic. It’s time to get resourceful. Please tell me you’ve been saving the cardboard tubes that the toilet paper comes in. After you’ve scoured grocery stores for hours and can’t find any toilet paper, I bet you’ll be thanking yourself for thinking ahead. It’s just, ahem, not as soft as Charmin. Again, there are more better options than a piece of cardboard.

Washrags or a wet towel

There’s something so gross about using a washrag or wet towel to wipe yourself down. Especially since you’re going to have to wash it afterward. At least it’s softer than cardboard. You’ve got to think on the positive side. If you pretend hard enough, you can pretend it's toilet paper. Just don’t try to flush it.

The shower

It’s fast, it’s efficient. Just throw yourself into the shower and spray yourself down. It’s almost as good as toilet paper. But there’s something a little simpler than hosing your whole body down. Just think about it. There’s about half a dozen steps involved in taking a shower. A student doesn’t have enough time to do that each time they go to the bathroom.

The bidet

If you were really thinking ahead for this pandemic, you would’ve gotten a bidet instead spending money getting toilet paper (not that you can find any now). Some might say it’s even better than toilet paper. Sure, it’s kind of an investment, but you’ll be thanking yourself when you don’t have to spend your days fighting people for toilet paper (how are we supposed to elbow people out of the way when we have to stay six feet away?).

So, there you have it. Six viable options for when you just can’t get your hands on that sweet, sweet toilet paper. Who knew in a historical pandemic, people’s main worry would be over toilet paper?

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