Sudden inspiration cure for intense procrastination

I have a paper due.

I know it's due.

It's been due.

I've known about it for a couple of weeks now, but I always seem to have something important to do.

Now, it's down to the wire. The paper is due in less than 12 hours. I don't usually let myself get in this state, but this semester...well you know.

The blank screen seems to be mocking me with disdain. "Ha ha...you can't write this paper...na na na na na! You have the nerve to call yourself an English major?!" The blank screen is especially vicious today.

My thesis statement is weak. I type it, frown, and plunk my head on the desk, and when I lift it up, there's part of a Cheezit stuck to my forehead. I throw it in the trash along with my crappy thesis.

I'm writing about Chesnutt's story "Po' Sandy" and can only come up with something like:
"In Chesnutt's short story "Po' Sandy,"... That's it.

So I've established there is indeed a story called "Po' Sandy" written by Chesnutt. Way to go, Tina. Good job.

My thesis statement is very jello-y, and yes, that's a word. So I stretch. I take a break. I go into the kitchen to get a drink.

Whoa. The kitchen is really messy. I start cleaning up a little. Geez. Who are these people? The level of filth resembles post-Katrina conditions. The countertops are covered with dishes, home work, and unopened mail. How long have those corn dogs been sitting there?

Mmm. Corn dogs. It has been several hours since I've eaten. Absentmindedly I start gnawing on one as I mill around the kitchen.
Back to the computer to try again:
"In Chenutt's short story "Po' Sandy, the speaker, Uncle Julius, represents the struggle of..." The struggle of... what? The struggle of writing a crappy paper? This is not going well. Back to kitchen cleaning.

I notice a bunch of bananas on the table that are overly ripe, perfect for banana bread.

FOCUS.

I sit back down at the computer. Check my thesis. Nope, nothing has happened so far. No appearance by the thesis fairy. So I check Facebook, sending out an SOS to all my fellow English majors. HELP. I need advice.

Nothing but crickets.

Some friends, I mumble. It does not occur to me that the reason they are not responding is because THEY are working on their papers like good students, not mindlessly trolling facebook, taking dumb quizzes to see how many kids they will have. I must know. Never mind that I've had a hysterectomy and my eggs are shriveled and old, I must know what the magical quiz says.

Will I have more? What? The Facebook quiz says I'll have two kids, which is a problem since I already have 3. Pondering which child should get booted from the family, I see the blinking cursor highlighting my horrible thesis statement.

Suddenly, I feel inspiration. Could it be, through the magic of Facebook and old corndogs, that the thesis fairy is finally making an appearance? I put my fingers on the keyboard and type:

"In Chestnut's tale "Po Sandy", the author uses the symbol of a tree to represent the plight of the recently freed slaves and their struggles to assimilate into a country that did not want them."

Not bad. It's a good start. Time for a break. After a rerun of Wife Swap in which a family of depressed circus clowns changes places with a family of alligator farmers, I should be able to finish it.

Where are the rest of those corn dogs?