Common assumptions about English majors

So … what are you gonna do with that?

As an English major, someone asks me this question. Frequently.

Usually, it’s accompanied with a stare, an eye roll and sometimes a smirk.

What the heck?

Here are some common misconceptions about English majors:

1. We are uppity folks. People immediately assume we are inwardly critiquing their English. OK, that’s actually true.

Today, I noticed what appeared to be accounting notes on the dry-erase board in class because there were two misspellings. I can’t help it. If you leave your notes up and don’t erase them, you are basically saying, “Please … mock me.” I don’t leave my toddler-level algebra homework posted in the engineering building. Just saying.

2. We are DYING to write your boring research paper for you. Nope. Not so much.

It’s funny how many “friends” come out of the woodwork when they have a 10-page paper due. I attract them like hillbillies to a Dollar General when the potted meat is half off. Here’s the scenario:

I’m attempting to study in my hidey-hole in the Business Building. Don’t ask where it is. I’m not telling. If I told you, I’d be swarmed with fans, and frankly, I don’t have the time. It’s really the curse of celebrity. But I digress.

Anyway, someone I don’t recognize comes up to me and says oh, so friendly, “Hey Tina! How are you?”

Honestly, I have no clue who this person is, but I try to be polite and say something articulate, along the lines of, “Heyyyyyyy, you.”

Rapidly, I’m scanning my mental hard drive and coming up empty. That does happen sometimes, more than I’d like to admit, especially in the previously mentioned algebra class.

“Listen,” the mystery person says, sliding in next to me, uninvited, sans (meaning without) coffee in hand. Mistake number one: If you are going to butter up an English major to help you with a paper, NEVER approach him or her without Starbucks. Honestly, it’s rude, and, some would argue, unsafe. It’s the same as approaching a chained pit bull, holding out a ribeye, and then saying, “Just kidding.” Not a good plan.

“Um,” I mumble. Well, so much for finishing that Latin homework. Yes, I take Latin. Yes, it automatically doubles my nerd quotient. I’ve made peace with that.

“Can you help me with my research paper?” this person says. “It’s for Dr. Strong. It’s due in 20 minutes. It’s supposed to be over Macbeth. Guess I forgot about it.” This is the part where they shrug their shoulders and offer their most winning, aw-shucks, what-are-ya-gonna-do smile.

“I … don’t know who you are,” I say.

This person actually has the nerve to act crestfallen. Another plus of being an English major is using antiquated words.

“Missy. Remember?” this person says. There may or may not be a hair toss here. Either way, I’m not impressed.

“Huh?” I reply. I didn’t say we were always articulate.

“What? But we had that … thing … together,” Missy says pouting.

“What thing?” I ask.

“You know, that English class,” she says.

Now I know she’s lying. She should have said biology. I spent the whole semester studying to pass and could not pick my lab partner out of a lineup.

“Nope. Still drawing a blank,” I say.

“Actually, I’m in your daughter’s English class,” Missy admits. “Or I was. Last year. OK, I don’t know you.”

At this point, she is fair game. Anything can happen. It’s not pretty, my friend.

3. English majors have no lives other than hanging out with other nerdy literary types. This is a myth. We just prefer hanging out with other literary types. Birds of a feather stress together.

4. We are only English majors because they don’t offer degrees in library science here.

5. We immediately find the errors in graffiti in gas-station bathrooms, WAY before anyone else. Actually, that’s true, too. We also find errors in commercials, at work in polished fliers, in texts and in school websites, and we secretly chuckle. Hey, you didn’t ask us, so …

6. At the drop of a hat, we can explicate a poem. Oh, snap! It’s like our super power! No, it’s not lame.

If there’s ever a terroristic threat and part of the ransom includes an essay on Emily Dickinson, I’m your gal. Put me in, coach. Or officer. Whatever.

7. We all want to be your English teacher. What else is there, anyway?

Funny you should ask.

English majors have a wide variety of possible career opportunities, including teaching, writing, journalism, publishing, law and business.

So, to sum it up, be nice to me. I might be your boss one day. Or, at the very least, correcting your boss’s grammar on an important job proposal.

And remember don’t ask me to help you with a paper without a cup of coffee in your hand. It’s for your own sake.