Have no fear; financial meltdown solution is clear

DISCLAIMER: I am not, nor will I ever be a financial consultant. I do not, nor will I ever understand the stock market. However, I will spend the remainder of this column giving you advice about things I know nothing about.

Many people believe the financial crisis occurred overnight. We were all enjoying caviar and $400-dollar-a-bottle wine when the bottom suddenly fell out from under us. Unfortunately, that is not true.

We did not wake up one morning and discover we had to give up our luxury life style because of the financial meltdown. Instead, it was the “caviar and wine” lifestyle that caused the financial crisis.

The following is a brief checklist for anyone interested in procuring a financially stable future:

STOP RECYCLING :

Save your paper and plastic as usual, but instead of putting it into a recycling bin, let it pile up in your backyard. In no time you’ll have enough to build an awesome fort big enough to sleep 12 adults and four children.

QUIT EATING OUT :

At least stop eating inside the restaurants. Try your hand at dumpster diving in the back of the building. The homeless have been doing it for years, and trust me it will not kill you. Although, when you’re done you may believe you’re dying.

START A REALITY TV SERIES :

If you don’t have any hang-ups about making a fool of yourself in front of millions of people, you’ll have a successful career in no time—not to mention lots of moolah. Plus, who doesn’t want to be surrounded by 25 stupid people fighting for your love?

LEAVE GLOBAL WARMING ALONE :

That’s right. Let global warming run its course. Have you noticed how much your heating bill is during those two weeks of extremely cold weather we have here in Texas? If the entire planet is warm, your home will be too.

START A HIP-HOP CAREER :

If you can find words that rhyme with ice, shawty or drank and put them together on a track filled with random yeah’s and okay’s, you’ve got what it takes to make a multi-platinum album.

By Sarah Fields-Thomas Associate Editor